Is it OK not to be OK?

"All people ever see is Marilyn Monroe. As soon as they realize I'm not her, they run." -Marilyn Monroe, My week with Marilyn. 

I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, 'My week with Marilyn' , and this quote just stopped me and made me try and count how many people I actually really really  deeply know. Or even the other way around, how many people really know me. 

How much time in our lives we keep on this mask, that covers our true self? Sometimes we might feel like the mask is somehow protecting us from the rejection of people, but is it? Maybe wearing the mask is some sort of a defense mechanism. Maybe you've been hurt before so much by rejection that sometimes it is hard to undress the mask even for yourself. 

Is this what we are? Are all 'happy' people actually just wearing a mask? Are there truly happy people? If everybody seems like Marilyn Monroe, perfection outside, but inside there is the insecure, unhappy and scared  Norma Jean Mortenson. 

Are even the 'Christians' in this world actually true? Are they all shiny outside with their holiness, but inside maybe they are not as shimmering and innocent as they come out as? 

This brings me to another question, do we have room in this world to be unhappy and confused? Is it ok not to be ok? Does the world turn it's back when you tell 'hey I'm lost an confused.'? Do we openheartedly help those who are off track? 

What happens when the mask is dropped? 

He Loved Me At My Darkest

It's been a very thoughtful month. I feel like this month has had so many turns, that it feels like a year full of events.

Today I had a beautiful day in the lovely Porvoo with  my beautiful friend. We were talking about a very girly subject, relationships. I told her that these last weeks I have been missing "him" more than in a while. But then while I was telling her this, i realized a great point why i still miss him.  

I miss him is , because I had stability in my life when I was his. My mind was very clear and I felt like after a long time I actually made sense. Through his eyes I saw that maybe I'm not a mess after all. 

I had no doubt what I wanted from my and our life. I knew I was enough and he was more than enough for me. There was this certain peace and deep understanding of ourselves and each other. 

After the breakup I've found my self having 'things' with guys I know they are no good for me or the other way around.  'Things' that in the end do not have a single thing that would make me happy. I have been breaking my self with hopes of having a relationship with the most impossible.

 I have fallen in love with the thought of being in love, I have fallen in love with loving. 

Few weeks ago I was in a wedding of a dear sweet friend of mine. This couple is so close to God, that by just their being they make me want to fall in love with God again. 

This made me consider, maybe, maybe after a long while I should give God a chance.

God loved me at my darkest. 

Cause by having a 'relationship' with Him I will have stability, clear mind, and to him I will make sense. With Him I will have no doubt what I want from life. And I will be enough for Him. Maybe we'll have that certain peace and deep understanding. 

I guess part of this is also learning to say 'NO' to the things that clearly will have no future. 

When did life become so full of decisions? 


-Fanni