I Need A Hero

Today I challenged myself and had a day just by myself. At some point I have to face the fear of being alone for a moment. Especially now that my mind is easily unsettled. And actually I think I did a good job, somehow at least. I did sleep until like midday, and it took me time and courage to get up from bed to a day without any plans. 

After I got up I ate and found myself watching The Oscars 2014. One thing that stood out, (not 'Let it go' this time) was one of the 'victory speeches'. The most handsome and talented Matthew McConaughey told that somebody once asked him who's his hero. He answered 'me in 10 years'. 

That thought just stopped me. I have always admired, looked up or envied at someone 'better' than me. But if I would start looking up at myself in 10 years, how would that be?  Every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero would be always ten years away. I would never ever be that hero. I will never be able to attain that goal and that’s just fine with me, because that will keep me with somebody to keep on chasing. And then I won't lose myself by trying to be someone i think is better. 

Well so the day continued with some pesto-pasta and nail art. In the evening I went to dance rehearsals. Dance for me is the best way to 'mop up' my mind from all the germs of the moment. 

And after getting my head sanitized I got home all refreshed and super proud of myself for living a day by myself with strength and dignity, and without insane emotional breakdowns. 

So it was a fabulously good day, and I think I found a new hero to look up to. 

Who is your hero? 

#slaavikyykky

Can you believe in love after love?

What are you suppose to feel when someone that you trust and love the most in this world suddenly abandons you. I guess, shattered in pieces might be the right way to put it. That is at least how I felt it. What to think when someone that you absolutely love more than this life, someone who helped you to come out from depression and eating disorder and made you feel worthy of living, leaves you? It makes you wonder if all of the things you learned through him are complete lie? 

What to do when everything reminds you of him? The views you see, the smells of perfumes, peoples way of walking and being, music that i hear, smiles and laughter people have on their faces, movies they show in the tv, even the way you have your mindset. There is no longer 'us'. How heartbreaking it is to re-think your future. How the future for a moment looks empty and meaningless.

I guess I have 2 directions to choose from. 

I can choose to be depressed and feel worthless again. I can choose to never be able to love again. I can choose to never look at another man without feeling hurt. I can choose never to let anyone to come close to me. I can choose to be broken and never let anyone come near and fix me. 

OR 

I can choose to become a stronger woman. I can choose to know my worth and hold my head up high. I can choose to be vulnerable, but let God build me up again. I can choose to open my heart to 'the one' The Almighty has one day planned for me. I choose to think that I deserve so much more. I can choose to feel true happiness once again. 

Anyhow, the question I ask myself and those who has lived through this kind of pain, Can you truly believe in love after love? (question inspired by Cher.) 

How long does it take to trust another person again as deeply as the one who you loved the most? 

Time to say goodbye

Mambo,

There is a saying in finnish; everything good ends in time. I hate that thought and hopefully I will never ever live by that thought. There is good everywhere, just the faces and life situations change.

 I have had the most beautiful life here. All the bigger and smaller adventures have been so teaching and full of life. The most amazing friends here have left a big mark in this little finnish girl. 

The last week has been so melancholic, but also full of most beautiful moments to cherish. Those moments when you are laying on top of a warm car with your fabulous friends, while looking at the stars sparkling in the huge Tanzanian sky, while listening 'Hall of Fame', with tears of joy rolling down your cheeks. That kind of moments you never ever ever forget. 

These friends that i've made here are the most amazing people i've met. So full of live and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. They are also most likely the strongest people in the world. Not everybody has had the easiest life, but even thought these people have downhills in their lives, they have the most strengthening smile and life positivity overflowing from them. It just makes me question, why are finnish people so depressed, we have EVERYTHING, and these people have basically nothing. But still they find life beautiful and worth living fully. Why do finnish people give up so easily? 

But in other news, I for a change got crazy with the hair. I am a braid head these days. And a friend found a place to get henna-paintings. So I am all fabulously Africanized now. 

And so the new adventure at home begins. I am heart torn apart to leave the beautiful Tanzania and my friends. But amongst that I am excited to go back home and share all the adventures and life lessons with my beloveds. 

Tanzania, in case I don't see you, Good afternoon, Good evening and Good night. Adventure of life to be continued…… 

Happy days.

Long time since the last blog post. Somehow the days go so so fast, but no day is similar! Every day is a different adventure. 

I've met some most amazing people during this epic time here. I'm so privileged to have such wonderful friends all over the world. It is not easy though, it's always so heartbreaking not knowing the next time you meet. But then when the day comes the reunion is thousand times sweeter. 

It has been so great to get to know some local friends, cause then you see the city and the country with different eyes. There are places where we have went where for sure not every muggle has been to. And also just to hang out with the local friends in a party in general.

For example we were invited to a birthday party of a sweet 15 year old. It was amazing to meet the whole beautiful family and friends. And see some fun b-day traditions that would have not come to my mind to do on birthdays. It was funny how while cutting the cake the poor birthday girl got a bucket of water on her head. Also it was sweet how she had to actually feed the cake to the guests. Such a fun experience. 

One amazing but also very stopping experience was to see a local hospital. We got a personal tour from our fabulous friend, Brittany. We got to see newborns getting vaccinations. But it was just so sad to see the poor circumstances and un hygienic surroundings. And there is basically no personal space or sensor in the wards. If only one person could make a difference, or maybe she could? 

And the babies of The Cradle just get more and more wonderful every week, every day and every hour. It is incredible how these little people can teach you so deep things in life. One of these wisdoms that I've learned is that how we are such unique creations from the very beginning. So amazing how these small new borns have so fabulous lovable different personalities. Why do 'grownups' have to act something else than what they are? Why the teenagers are dressing and acting the same when they have something as precious as their own personality? If we are born so fabulously different, why hide it? Why change it? 

I challenge you to be YOU for the rest of the week!