perjantai 21. marraskuuta 2014

Most Annoying Bible Verse

I am truly the most inpatient person in this universe. My beloved mom used to try and make my 'sufferful' waiting a bit easier with a Bible verse; "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matt 6:33)"
Cheers mom. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. I want everything, and  I want now! I don't have time and patience seeking any kingdom! I want it now! Pfff….. 

But the thing is….. she is right. 

This summer was definitely the hardest thing I ever had to pass. I feel like it was some sort of a test, or a battle between life and death. After so many bad decisions, rebellion and painful experiences, the only wish I had left was to die. The pressure and the feeling of giving up was so strong that I saw no beauty in life or the future. 

I had promised to be part of this amazing tour around Finland with my friends from Israel. I decided to join, even though the thought of God being the daily subject, made me very uncomfortable. Why would I want to give testimonies about a god who had left me so abandoned after so many promises. But I joined the tour anyway. Best decision of my life so far, actually I don't even think it was me deciding, but Someone Greater leading. 

The tour ended up being like a perfect overdose of God, Faith and Love. I started to remember Who God is. Then I started realizing when my life started going off track… It wasn't God who abandoned me on my rough times, it was me leaving Him, I denied him 3 times before the rooster crowed. I felt so embarrassed and unworthy, but I decided to pray one more time. 
-God smiled, He smiled, He was there for me. He was there when I was broken, He held me. 
And we danced...

--

Right after I came back from the tour I was given a challenge to date one month with The Almighty. To fill my every moment, my thoughts, my heart with Him. With a fear, embarrassment and a spark of hope I took the challenge. On this coming monday, it will be the 1 month anniversary of me and Him, I don't want to stop. I won't. 

Truly this was a new beginning. From the moment I decided to let Him in again and following Him, everything started falling to place. I had that peace again, I saw beauty. The people He brought into my life started talking about 'a new beginning', without knowing anything about my past. 

There is Hope and Forgiveness. 
And for as long as i shall live I shall testify His love. 

This is the story of the most annoying Bible verse. God. And Me. 

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matt 6:33)"


-Fanni


perjantai 29. elokuuta 2014

Is it OK not to be OK?

"All people ever see is Marilyn Monroe. As soon as they realize I'm not her, they run." -Marilyn Monroe, My week with Marilyn. 


I was watching one of my favorite movies the other day, 'My week with Marilyn' , and this quote just stopped me and made me try and count how many people I actually really really  deeply know. Or even the other way around, how many people really know me. 

How much time in our lives we keep on this mask, that covers our true self? Sometimes we might feel like the mask is somehow protecting us from the rejection of people, but is it? Maybe wearing the mask is some sort of a defense mechanism. Maybe you've been hurt before so much by rejection that sometimes it is hard to undress the mask even for yourself. 

Is this what we are? Are all 'happy' people actually just wearing a mask? Are there truly happy people? If everybody seems like Marilyn Monroe, perfection outside, but inside there is the insecure, unhappy and scared  Norma Jean Mortenson. 

Are even the 'Christians' in this world actually true? Are they all shiny outside with their holiness, but inside maybe they are not as shimmering and innocent as they come out as? 

This brings me to another question, do we have room in this world to be unhappy and confused? Is it ok not to be ok? Does the world turn it's back when you tell 'hey I'm lost an confused.'? Do we openheartedly help those who are off track? 

What happens when the mask is dropped? 


perjantai 15. elokuuta 2014

He Loved Me At My Darkest



It's been a very thoughtful month. I feel like this month has had so many turns, that it feels like a year full of events.
Today I had a beautiful day in the lovely Porvoo with  my beautiful friend. We were talking about a very girly subject, relationships. I told her that these last weeks I have been missing "him" more than in a while. But then while I was telling her this, i realized a great point why i still miss him.  

I miss him is , because I had stability in my life when I was his. My mind was very clear and I felt like after a long time I actually made sense. Through his eyes I saw that maybe I'm not a mess after all. 
I had no doubt what I wanted from my and our life. I knew I was enough and he was more than enough for me. There was this certain peace and deep understanding of ourselves and each other. 

After the breakup I've found my self having 'things' with guys I know they are no good for me or the other way around.  'Things' that in the end do not have a single thing that would make me happy. I have been breaking my self with hopes of having a relationship with the most impossible.
 I have fallen in love with the thought of being in love, I have fallen in love with loving. 

Few weeks ago I was in a wedding of a dear sweet friend of mine. This couple is so close to God, that by just their being they make me want to fall in love with God again. 
This made me consider, maybe, maybe after a long while I should give God a chance.
God loved me at my darkest. 
Cause by having a 'relationship' with Him I will have stability, clear mind, and to him I will make sense. With Him I will have no doubt what I want from life. And I will be enough for Him. Maybe we'll have that certain peace and deep understanding. 

I guess part of this is also learning to say 'NO' to the things that clearly will have no future. 


When did life become so full of decisions? 


-Fanni



sunnuntai 13. heinäkuuta 2014

Beauty in the Brokenness


It's been such an emotional roller coaster ride lately. 

Last month I've been having such a battle with the thoughts of not being enough - Not being enough for myself, my family, my work, my 'future spouse' etc. In general just the feeling of incompleteness. 
In my head I do know that I have everything and I am enough in every way. Being hurt so deeply, I realised that I have forgotten the fact that I actually am truly enough by just being me. 

How do you start building a stronger person? When you feel like all of you is scattered on the floor and you just won't let anyone touch those pieces, because you are afraid that even the small pieces that are left will break. But then what if? What if from those scattered pieces will build up to something even better than the one before. Something way more courageous.

Maybe that is the point. Maybe God wanted to break me in a way that He could rebuild me. I have not been near Him in a long time, and I guess maybe He got tired of me running away and trying to hide. 

During the worst part of the breakup there was something my mom said that was most comforting - First God sent Saul. He was everything that people wanted, handsome and kinglike. BUT, he was not enough for God. Saul failed his duty as a king. But then came David who first was nobody in the eyes of the people but God saw into his heart and saw that he had the heart of a king. In time he became the most powerful king of all and most loved by God. 

Now I realised, it basically symbolises also the 'future spouse’, but also me. The old me has been run down from the throne, so that the small child-like 'shepherd' can step to her own place and be the most courageous and most loved by Him. 

Throughout this rebuilding of my own character I've noticed how incredibly beautiful friends I've got around me. Even if there are worst days, there are friends who keep me pushing towards the light and making me believe in better days. 

Greater things have yet to come. Greater things have still to be done.

Love, Fanni


tiistai 27. toukokuuta 2014

Judas To My Self


 Today I realized how much of an Judas I've been to myself after the break-up. 

I went to see the most incredible dance show, 'Rock The Ballet' with my fabulous friend. Half way through I was in complete tears. First of all there was a most talented couple dancing a story about a struggle in a relationship to the song 'With Or Without You' by U2. I could so deeply identify with the story, I could so feel the enormous pain and the struggle they had. In a strange way I felt like it was me on that stage dancing, except my love story unfortunately did not have as happy ending as theirs. 

And then it just hit me, I have been in too much pain to do the thing I love the most, DANCING. I have not danced basically at all after he left me. Something that has been a leading - and most powerful tool in my life suddenly got kissed on the cheek and betrayed. Something that is an USB-wire between my head and heart got cut. 

I have been lying to my self that, how dancing will not be something that heals, in a way it will also betray me and break me. Maybe the fact that someone that I have been trusting with all my heart and soul, is no longer trustworthy, has wounded the train of thought between me and dancing. Because dancing is something that I have had a similar 'relationship' with. It is something that I can always trust with my mind, body and soul. Also it is my way of connecting with The Almighty. 

It felt like a knife in the heart to realize the fact that my body and soul and dancing has been neglected by no other than myself in a way that is most harmful to me in every way possible. And from this day on, I PROMISE my self that I will not let these acid lies control the love for dancing that I have. 

It stops me to think, what other kind of sickening lies do we let in our lives? Do we let lies control the things we actually love doing? 



This week is good week to try and explore the truth. 
Have a good one,

-Fanni




tiistai 29. huhtikuuta 2014

I Need A Hero

Today I challenged myself and had a day just by myself. At some point I have to face the fear of being alone for a moment. Especially now that my mind is easily unsettled. And actually I think I did a good job, somehow at least. I did sleep until like midday, and it took me time and courage to get up from bed to a day without any plans. 

After I got up I ate and found myself watching The Oscars 2014. One thing that stood out, (not 'Let it go' this time) was one of the 'victory speeches'. The most handsome and talented Matthew McConaughey told that somebody once asked him who's his hero. He answered 'me in 10 years'. 

That thought just stopped me. I have always admired, looked up or envied at someone 'better' than me. But if I would start looking up at myself in 10 years, how would that be?  Every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero would be always ten years away. I would never ever be that hero. I will never be able to attain that goal and that’s just fine with me, because that will keep me with somebody to keep on chasing. And then I won't lose myself by trying to be someone i think is better. 

Well so the day continued with some pesto-pasta and nail art. In the evening I went to dance rehearsals. Dance for me is the best way to 'mop up' my mind from all the germs of the moment. 
And after getting my head sanitized I got home all refreshed and super proud of myself for living a day by myself with strength and dignity, and without insane emotional breakdowns. 

So it was a fabulously good day, and I think I found a new hero to look up to. 

Who is your hero? 

#slaavikyykky

maanantai 21. huhtikuuta 2014

Can you believe in love after love?

What are you suppose to feel when someone that you trust and love the most in this world suddenly abandons you. I guess, shattered in pieces might be the right way to put it. That is at least how I felt it. What to think when someone that you absolutely love more than this life, someone who helped you to come out from depression and eating disorder and made you feel worthy of living, leaves you? It makes you wonder if all of the things you learned through him are complete lie? 

What to do when everything reminds you of him? The views you see, the smells of perfumes, peoples way of walking and being, music that i hear, smiles and laughter people have on their faces, movies they show in the tv, even the way you have your mindset. There is no longer 'us'. How heartbreaking it is to re-think your future. How the future for a moment looks empty and meaningless.

I guess I have 2 directions to choose from. 

I can choose to be depressed and feel worthless again. I can choose to never be able to love again. I can choose to never look at another man without feeling hurt. I can choose never to let anyone to come close to me. I can choose to be broken and never let anyone come near and fix me. 

OR 

I can choose to become a stronger woman. I can choose to know my worth and hold my head up high. I can choose to be vulnerable, but let God build me up again. I can choose to open my heart to 'the one' The Almighty has one day planned for me. I choose to think that I deserve so much more. I can choose to feel true happiness once again. 

Anyhow, the question I ask myself and those who has lived through this kind of pain, Can you truly believe in love after love? (question inspired by Cher.) 
How long does it take to trust another person again as deeply as the one who you loved the most? 




keskiviikko 16. huhtikuuta 2014

Time to say goodbye

Mambo,


There is a saying in finnish; everything good ends in time. I hate that thought and hopefully I will never ever live by that thought. There is good everywhere, just the faces and life situations change.
 I have had the most beautiful life here. All the bigger and smaller adventures have been so teaching and full of life. The most amazing friends here have left a big mark in this little finnish girl. 


The last week has been so melancholic, but also full of most beautiful moments to cherish. Those moments when you are laying on top of a warm car with your fabulous friends, while looking at the stars sparkling in the huge Tanzanian sky, while listening 'Hall of Fame', with tears of joy rolling down your cheeks. That kind of moments you never ever ever forget. 


These friends that i've made here are the most amazing people i've met. So full of live and absolutely gorgeous inside and out. They are also most likely the strongest people in the world. Not everybody has had the easiest life, but even thought these people have downhills in their lives, they have the most strengthening smile and life positivity overflowing from them. It just makes me question, why are finnish people so depressed, we have EVERYTHING, and these people have basically nothing. But still they find life beautiful and worth living fully. Why do finnish people give up so easily? 


But in other news, I for a change got crazy with the hair. I am a braid head these days. And a friend found a place to get henna-paintings. So I am all fabulously Africanized now. 
And so the new adventure at home begins. I am heart torn apart to leave the beautiful Tanzania and my friends. But amongst that I am excited to go back home and share all the adventures and life lessons with my beloveds. 


Tanzania, in case I don't see you, Good afternoon, Good evening and Good night. Adventure of life to be continued…… 



torstai 3. huhtikuuta 2014

Happy days.

Long time since the last blog post. Somehow the days go so so fast, but no day is similar! Every day is a different adventure. 


I've met some most amazing people during this epic time here. I'm so privileged to have such wonderful friends all over the world. It is not easy though, it's always so heartbreaking not knowing the next time you meet. But then when the day comes the reunion is thousand times sweeter. 



It has been so great to get to know some local friends, cause then you see the city and the country with different eyes. There are places where we have went where for sure not every muggle has been to. And also just to hang out with the local friends in a party in general.




For example we were invited to a birthday party of a sweet 15 year old. It was amazing to meet the whole beautiful family and friends. And see some fun b-day traditions that would have not come to my mind to do on birthdays. It was funny how while cutting the cake the poor birthday girl got a bucket of water on her head. Also it was sweet how she had to actually feed the cake to the guests. Such a fun experience. 



One amazing but also very stopping experience was to see a local hospital. We got a personal tour from our fabulous friend, Brittany. We got to see newborns getting vaccinations. But it was just so sad to see the poor circumstances and un hygienic surroundings. And there is basically no personal space or sensor in the wards. If only one person could make a difference, or maybe she could? 




And the babies of The Cradle just get more and more wonderful every week, every day and every hour. It is incredible how these little people can teach you so deep things in life. One of these wisdoms that I've learned is that how we are such unique creations from the very beginning. So amazing how these small new borns have so fabulous lovable different personalities. Why do 'grownups' have to act something else than what they are? Why the teenagers are dressing and acting the same when they have something as precious as their own personality? If we are born so fabulously different, why hide it? Why change it? 


I challenge you to be YOU for the rest of the week! 

maanantai 24. maaliskuuta 2014

SAFARI


And so she experienced the safari. 



And again, so mind-blowing that a little lady from a little town in Finland, sees an majestic Elephant just standing there in front of her eyes. Or a beautifully abstract giraffe. Or his highness the Lion. Or the amazingly striped Zebra. Or the strong and mighty Hippos. Or all the other amazing amazing amazing animals.




Our team awesome started the fabulous safari from the gorgeous Tarangiri national park. After sleeping well at the very cozy camping area we went to Serengeti National Park. In Serengeti we spent 2 whole days just admiring the beautiful views and amazing animals. And the last day we spent at the breathtaking Ngorongoro Crater. 



Every morning we woke up very early from our cozy tents to start the beautiful day. The whole day we would drive around and take pictures and just eat the view with your eyes. In the evening we would return from the long day and would enjoy the absolutely delicious dinner that our fantastic cook, Ashid, had made. And how great it is just to sit together with such amazing new friends from all over the world. I am so privileged to be on this adventure. 





The views and sceneries were breath taking. God has definitely been inspired when he painted Africa with His brush. Our fabulous safari- guide, Paul, knew exactly the best places to admire the beauty of the nature.




How amazing is the feeling when you are standing in the back of the safari car, driving past the zebras on the fields, in the evening, African wind blowing in your open hair while you listen to your favorite music…. Just absolutely an amazing experience to cherish. Something to tell to the grandchildren. 



Have a adventurous week,

Fanni 

maanantai 17. maaliskuuta 2014

Adventurous weekend

Wow, what a weekend!

On saturday we left early in the morning to Moshi. Our tour-guide for the wonderful weekend was the beautiful Nancy. She had planned everything so well, never we had to worry about anything. 


We started from the bottom of Kilimanjaro. We could see how people were just about to start hiking to the top of the mountain. You could almost touch with your hands the great ambitious feeling in the air.  I have a huge respect for the carriers of the Kili. Their job in it's all simplicity is to carry the hikers stuff up the mountain and back, no big deal. 

 

After visiting the bottom of the mountain, we went to see a traditional coffee plantation. I've never seen anyone as excited and proud of their work, as this old babu who was showing around he's coffee, banana, tobacco, cocoa and avocado plants. I was overwhelmed by the amazing knowledge and love he had towards the plants and nature over all.  We got to see how the coffee was made from the beginning until the end. We even were privileged to taste the wonderful coffee. Best coffee I've EVER had!


From the coffee plantation we went to see some ancient caves and tunnels underground. We were told colorfully about their history. I was amazed of how wisely the ancient tribes knew how to build these very convenient and livable tunnels, and of course without using any modern technology, no wikipedia, no nothing.



Next place we went to was absolutely mind blowingly beautiful. It was a stunning waterfall in this deep deep green valley. But so that we could get to the waterfall we needed to walk down this slippery and muddy path, which we all luckily survived alive. That place was like being inside a scene from some epic fantasy movie.


Quite close to a fantasy movie was also our next stop. It was an old African tribe-museum. We got to go and see inside an traditional tribal house. And inside this tiny 'cottage' there were these poor 2 cows and 4 goats. It made me wonder that what would EU think if it saw how these animals are living and traditionally treated. But the animals were quite healthy looking so I was just happy for them. 



The next day we woke up early for another beautiful day. After very tasty breakfast we started heading to the hot springs. The way to the springs was probably the funnest thing I've done in a long time. I've always wanted to travel with a rickshaw, and so my dreams did come true again. It was suppose to take an hour to the hot springs, but we got stuck in the mud so many times that I think we were on the road for a double time. 




But the long travel was definitely worth it, cause the hot spring was basically heaven on earth. The
turquoise water clear as glass  surrounded by beautiful big green trees. And when you think that it could not be better, then you realize that there is a rope, and with that you can swing and jump to the perfect temperature water. I think that place is closest you can get to heaven on this planet. 


After enjoying the magical hot spring for many hours, came the moment when we had to come back to earth and start our way home. How privileged I am to be on this adventure? I'm just a small girl from a small town in small Finland. It just brings tears of joy to my eyes to be on this big journey.
I am living a dream, Disney was right all along, Dreams do come true! 

Have a week full of beauty and adventure,


Fanni


maanantai 10. maaliskuuta 2014

Weekend feelings

Jambo you fabulous folk!

So the weekend passed by quickly. Even though I think 'quick' does not belong in to the vocabulary in Tanzania. Everything here is extremely slow. Hurry does not exist on these lands. I wish it was as relaxed everywhere as it is in here. I think we Europeans, especially Finns, make stress and mindless hurry without any reason.  Why cannot life just go with the good flow. It is good manners to make it in time everywhere, but why do it  with a stress? 



On Saturday I was very very sick in my stomach for the whole day. I basically spent the day laying at Tanz-Hands cafeteria. But as always, my amazingly wonderful prince saved my day. He talked with me via Skype for 5 wonderful hours!! (Rakastan sua Pyry <3 ) 


Sunday morning after sleeping 13 hours, thankfully, I felt great again. To celebrate the fabulous sunday, we went to spend the day at the Arusha Hotel Pool. It was a perfect weekend vacation under the warm sun and the absolutely beautiful pool environment. We even got to order our most amazing lunch to the pool. I felt just like royalty. 



Also I'm so thankful to get to hang out with these amazing people. These girls are so stunning inside and out. They've got the most beautiful helping heart and this country will definitely change to better with the help they full heartedly give. 

Meet Femke, Embla and Malene
After the fabulous time at the pool, the girls introduced me to the Masai-Market area. I got to buy some very very comfortable swaggy trousers from there. 


During the sunday-adventure we bumped into some local rafikis (friends).  They so kindly told that they'd show us a nice 'park' . This 'park' was basically a local 'in-the-middle-of-bushes'. But it was beautiful! There was a beautiful stream, tall palm trees and green soft grass we could just lay on.  It was one of those moments when I thought that i'm glad I'm not a tourist, cause I would not get into such a random situation if I was following a man-made plan. But that's why there is the divine path I rather set my feet on. 



Have a very relaxed and worry-free week my pretties! 

Tanzanian love to you all!


-Fanni

perjantai 7. maaliskuuta 2014

Week 1#

Jambo!

One adventurous week has passed, feels like 2 days.  I'm in love with this place. 




I've gotten to know better few of my beautiful house mates, Femke from The Netherlands and Malene from Denmark. All 3 of us are Africa rookies, so we have found some comfort in each other. They are so much fun to hang out with. I'm so privileged to share this adventure with them! 



Basically all the weekdays we spend at the Cradle. At 9am (African time) we usually are at Cradle, and at midday we go home for delicious lunch. After lunch head back to our loveliest babies. Around 4pm-5pm, we head home or to Tanz-Hands cafeteria. At Tanz-Hands we have wifi and the best pastries in the whole Usa River! At 6p.m we have a fabulous dinner at home. After the dinner we usually just stay at home and relax and read books and get to know each other. 




Yesterday we went out to eat with 30-40 other volunteers. I had the worlds best vegetarian pizza! It was epic to sit in a room and count how many nationality's  and languages we could find. 
It feels like half of these people here are Scandinavian, so I've gotten a good use to my bestest swedish skills. 

It's beginning to look a lot like rainy season.

After the dinner we went to a club in Arusha called ViaVia. Ok and if parties in Finland were as fun as this African party, I'd go at least every day! Funnest dancing and coolest reggae music, BOOM that's what I call a party. 



Today has been a beautiful day, even though I've been very much tired cause I did not sleep too much last night. But even though I've been tired, the babies do not seem to mind that. The smile these babies give when you go to the nursery, is the best gift I could have in this world.

There so much that we can learn about life attitude from these precious babies. They have not had a beautiful start in their lives. They are abandoned by their own parents, thrown to the garbage, tried to flush down the toilet, tried to drown by their own mother, completely without a family who wants them.  But they still manage to smile and laugh every day. It makes me wonder, why do we complain? 


Have a weekend full of beauty, smile and enchantment!

Love from Usa River, Tanzania

-Fanni